Why It's Not About Blaming the Parents: Understanding Childhood Experiences
- franziskarosenzweig
- Jun 21
- 3 min read
Many people hesitate to explore their early experiences in therapy. They’ll say, "But I had a great childhood," or "My parents did their best, I had everything I needed."
And they’re often right. This isn’t about doubting that.
The work of therapy is not about blaming parents. It’s about understanding how your mind made sense of the world when you were very young, at a time when you didn’t yet have the tools to interpret things rationally or with nuance.
Why blame is not the point
The phrase "blame the parents" has become shorthand for avoiding deeper reflection.
But therapy isn’t about blaming. It’s about understanding. About making sense of experiences from a child's perspective.
Children under the age of around 7 see themselves as the cause of everything that happens. If a parent is distressed, angry, withdrawn, the child assumes, "I did something wrong."
And because children's thinking is still black and white, they often conclude not just "I did something bad", but "I am bad."
When we dismiss what shaped us
As adults, it’s easy to brush off childhood memories: "That was nothing," "I was being dramatic," "Everyone had moments like that."
But those events shaped you. Not because they were objectively traumatic, but because of how your younger self experienced them.
What seemed trivial from an adult perspective may have been deeply confusing or overwhelming at the time. That energy remains in the system and continues to inform how we feel, react, and relate today.
A child experiences the world through intense emotions. Everything that happens around them can feel like a significant event, whether it's having sweets taken away or not being chosen for a game.
The role of therapy: updating your inner world
In therapy, I work with clients to reconnect with those younger, scared, or confused parts. We help them make sense of what happened from today’s perspective, and let them know they are no longer in that situation. They are safe now.
This isn’t about blaming your parents or rewriting your childhood. It’s about updating the beliefs and feelings that were formed when you were too young to understand what was really going on.
The result: less conflict, more choice, understanding childhood experiences
When we stop being unconsciously driven by old emotional responses and by understanding our childhood experiences from a deeper emotional perspective, we create more space. More choice. Fewer overreactions. Less inner conflict.
Think about how not being chosen for a game as a child may affect not getting a promotion today.
By helping our inner child, making the unconscious, or implicit memory, conscious, we feel calmer. More in charge. More at ease with ourselves and others.
If you're worried that exploring the past means blaming your parents, know this:
It's not about blame. It's about understanding how your younger self made sense of the world, and giving them a chance to feel safe again.
That’s the work.
A note on more severe early experiences
Of course, some people grew up in environments that were clearly abusive, neglectful, or unsafe. Therapy can offer essential support for making sense of those experiences, too, and for helping survivors heal. That is a different but equally important conversation, and one that may be explored more fully in another article.
Interested in support?
If you recognise some of these patterns in yourself and would like to explore them in a safe and non-judgmental setting, I offer a free initial consultation. It’s a chance to talk through what’s going on for you and see if working together feels right.
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